miscarriage: a nightmare

a wonderful news awaits after our Dubai trip. i felt weird.my breasts were sore.i was vomiting for no reason. i had no idea what was going on.i then realized i was a week delayed. had home PT. BFP (big fat positive), i can´t describe the feeling.Chris and I were very elated as well as anxious of the whole pregnancy thing.can we manage? can we be good parents?  on my 7th week of pregnancy, i started to have brown discharges. my OB said its normal. my lil ones heartbeat is still pumping but she can see irregularity. i was advised to be in bed rest for the whole week. i was never so scared in my life, just at this point. i woke up with a lil confidence that everything will be fine. after all im not in an excruciating pain, like those moms describe on their blogs when they had their MC.i was in full shock when i found out after peeing, that the brown discharges turned red with clots. i was hysterical. chris then decided we have to go to the emergency. OB-Gyne admitted me for a complete bed rest. he said the heartbeat is still there. i was pacified. Chris too.  Monday, the 7th of February, i woke up with a great optimism that everything´s going to be alright. OB called me for an ultrasound. i was happy for a moment, ill see my lil angel.  Walking in the lobby of Station A3 is quite terrifying, a woman wheeled out from her room, a young lady walking with a bottle connecting to her body with blood in it, some nurses smiling me while i followed my OB to the ultrasound room. i laid down on her obstetric bed shaking, i was scared  to find out that something is wrong. she then started the procedure. true to my fear, she said she´s having hard time finding some fetal heartbeat. i panicked. tears flowed without me noticing them.no, this is not happening. i was transferred then to a bigger machine, i didn´t bring so much after all. 3 OB´s confirmed it. My baby is not growing and there was no heartbeat anymore. i couldn´t believe it at first. i hope this was just a nightmare, a very bad one. i hoped the doctors were wrong, after all they are humans. they are not perfect. my mind was wandering, i was in denial. i tried blaming myself for what happened. maybe if i took more care... maybe! i decided for a Dilation and Curettage later that night. i wanted it to be over. Chris came and i broke down. i know he´s also hurt and mourning. After all its our lil angel. i can´t remember a lot after they gave me some tranquilizer. i fell asleep with a heavy heart. i was then wheeled out of my room after 7 hours of waiting. i was only aware of them giving me general anesthesia. then i was gone.  the next morning, it finally sinked in. i was then confronted with the truth that the baby everybody is excited about is not coming anymore. i began to cry for my loss once more.

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